A real man doesn't hit women (or children) – ever!!!

Alright! I'm coming clean! I don't care for sports, (cause I suck at them), I don't have tattoos, I don't hunt nor do I like  camping and hiking the great outdoors,(though I am inspired by all the amazing places I've seen), I don't drink beer, I don't drive a pickup. OMG! Do you think I'll be drummed out of the ranks of " Malehood?"

It's interesting to see and hear so many perceptions of what being a "real man" means. Advertising and professional sports in particular bombard us with images of males with rippling muscles smashing and crashing into one another -- on a field, slab of ice, etc. Real men smash & crash into others! But, it is very disturbing to see so many reports of domestic violence committed by professional athletes.

Why has violence become the first response to adversity and disagreement in America? Is this what the perpetrators learned and modeled on? Is it the fame that makes them feel powerful? Has our culture become desensitized to the rich and powerful getting away with what the rest of us are forced to suffer? Does it have anything to do with the steady flow of violence the entertainment industry washes our minds with? Check out how women are treated in TV programs and movies these days.

This year I am on the planning committee of the Junior League of Collin County's Interfaith Symposium on Domestic Violence. When I went to the first general meeting, I listened to reports about many good programs being instituted. But, what I did not hear was anything about a program that confronts those who do the violence. That's a tough one, because the perpetrators do not usually come forward. There needs to be a venue for confronting those who commit domestic violence. I've even entertained the thought of a reality show and intervention.

Those who commit violence are often victims of violence or were raised in homes where there was violence. Violence has a lot to do with control and a deep sense of insecurity. People learn to make violence their first response. I believe an important part of changing their behavior is to teach them that there are better options for responding to adversity and disagreements – and them training them on how to use those options. This can begin with the realization that real men do not commit violence against women or children – or other men either.

I remember teaching my daughter two important things about men:

(1) Find someone who is comfortable with their malehood, comfortable enough to share power and be a true partner with a woman.

(2) Watch how he treats those who serve him or work for him.

This will tell you volumes about his character! He must also be a person of values. Today, I would put it this way – He is a person who does Tov -- one who's actions are good, that make life more functional, acts that protect, enhance and nourish life in all it's dimensions. A person that practices Hesed (loving-kindness).

Those who are gifted and achieve wealth and fame have an obligation and responsibility to be Tov models for others. They must understand that they are models because the media makes them famous – so, shouldn’t they use their lives to make the lives of those who make them famous better?

A new message is being blasted from the media as a result of the video of the athlete knocking the woman out in the elevator -- Those who abuse women will eventually lose access to the markets that made them rich & famous! I can assure you that every professional athlete in America is aware that there is a new game in town.

As Mayor Mike Rawlings said, "You can call a guy who abuses women (and children) a lot of things -- but you can't call him a real man. A real man doesn't hit women (or children) – ever!!!"

I teach about domestic violence and related workplace violence, as well as hold seminars. Give me a call if you need someone to teach your professional sports team how to be real men.

Choose Life by Doing TOV!

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor