A real man doesn't hit women (or children) – ever!!!

Alright! I'm coming clean! I don't care for sports, (cause I suck at them), I don't have tattoos, I don't hunt nor do I like  camping and hiking the great outdoors,(though I am inspired by all the amazing places I've seen), I don't drink beer, I don't drive a pickup. OMG! Do you think I'll be drummed out of the ranks of " Malehood?"

It's interesting to see and hear so many perceptions of what being a "real man" means. Advertising and professional sports in particular bombard us with images of males with rippling muscles smashing and crashing into one another -- on a field, slab of ice, etc. Real men smash & crash into others! But, it is very disturbing to see so many reports of domestic violence committed by professional athletes.

Why has violence become the first response to adversity and disagreement in America? Is this what the perpetrators learned and modeled on? Is it the fame that makes them feel powerful? Has our culture become desensitized to the rich and powerful getting away with what the rest of us are forced to suffer? Does it have anything to do with the steady flow of violence the entertainment industry washes our minds with? Check out how women are treated in TV programs and movies these days.

This year I am on the planning committee of the Junior League of Collin County's Interfaith Symposium on Domestic Violence. When I went to the first general meeting, I listened to reports about many good programs being instituted. But, what I did not hear was anything about a program that confronts those who do the violence. That's a tough one, because the perpetrators do not usually come forward. There needs to be a venue for confronting those who commit domestic violence. I've even entertained the thought of a reality show and intervention.

Those who commit violence are often victims of violence or were raised in homes where there was violence. Violence has a lot to do with control and a deep sense of insecurity. People learn to make violence their first response. I believe an important part of changing their behavior is to teach them that there are better options for responding to adversity and disagreements – and them training them on how to use those options. This can begin with the realization that real men do not commit violence against women or children – or other men either.

I remember teaching my daughter two important things about men:

(1) Find someone who is comfortable with their malehood, comfortable enough to share power and be a true partner with a woman.

(2) Watch how he treats those who serve him or work for him.

This will tell you volumes about his character! He must also be a person of values. Today, I would put it this way – He is a person who does Tov -- one who's actions are good, that make life more functional, acts that protect, enhance and nourish life in all it's dimensions. A person that practices Hesed (loving-kindness).

Those who are gifted and achieve wealth and fame have an obligation and responsibility to be Tov models for others. They must understand that they are models because the media makes them famous – so, shouldn’t they use their lives to make the lives of those who make them famous better?

A new message is being blasted from the media as a result of the video of the athlete knocking the woman out in the elevator -- Those who abuse women will eventually lose access to the markets that made them rich & famous! I can assure you that every professional athlete in America is aware that there is a new game in town.

As Mayor Mike Rawlings said, "You can call a guy who abuses women (and children) a lot of things -- but you can't call him a real man. A real man doesn't hit women (or children) – ever!!!"

I teach about domestic violence and related workplace violence, as well as hold seminars. Give me a call if you need someone to teach your professional sports team how to be real men.

Choose Life by Doing TOV!

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor

Today is US Constitution & Citizenship Day.

On September 17, 1787, the delegates to the Constitutional Convention met for the last time to sign the document they had created. Take a moment to celebrate this very important day by listening to this amazing song by a group of children – “We the People.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIf7uFAKkJc

Remember, Repair and Re-Create!

The Hebrew month of Elul, which comes before the Jewish High Holy Days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, is known as “the days of transformation.”  We are supposed to review our acts and actions in the past year. What have our actions and choices created? This can be a painful time for thinking people. We are to remember during this season.

YAH remembers us, we remember our higher power, we remember the hurts others have caused us -- and we must remember the pain we have caused others. This is called Heshbone HaNefesh, literally, an accounting of the soul. 

It is difficult to forget the hurt caused to us; we carry the anger, the pain, the desire to get even. The rabbis talk about forgiveness, but don't explain that forgiveness is for us, not the one who caused the hurt. Forgiveness is NOT condoning!!! Forgiveness is so we do not carry around the toxic effects of our anger. Festering anger damages us, not the object of our anger.

And what about those people whom we have hurt? That is much more difficult to face. When we encounter someone who has been negatively affected by our actions and choices, we want to run and hide. It's not comfortable to face up to our negative actions, but that is what “the days of transformation” are about.

Unlike some religious traditions, that allow someone to be forgiven by God without addressing the victim, Judaism requires that the victim and the pain we caused to be faced. It is not your higher power's responsibility to repair those relationships, we are responsible for reconciling relationships, however painful that may be. (By the way, that is what the Jewish Jesus taught too!) These are the responses of a mature adult.

The process we use to accomplish this is called Teshuvah, usually translated as "repentance," which for modern people is a hollow term. But, Teshuvah is a process of reconciliation, literally "turning oneself around." One has to admit to the error, ask for forgiveness, make reconciliation, or recompense where possible, and vow not to repeat that action again.

Easier said than done, but that is why Jim Myers and I are teaching people about the TOV Standard. TOV means more than "good", it means doing actions which put life first. It is a yardstick for measuring our choices and behavior. These actions should protect life, enhance the functioning of life, nurture and nourish life and encourage a positive effect on our communities and ourselves.

Doing TOV helps repair our world and re-create a society of Justice, Righteousness and Shalom. Rosh Hashanah begins next Wednesday, September 24^th at sundown. Use the next seven days to remember, repair and re-create. May the coming year bring you Health, Success and Joy.

Do Tov! Choose Life!

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor