In Living and Dying -- TOV Matters!

As many of you know, my work revolves around people who've suffered Traumatic Loss and Grief -- the type of things that usually sends people running for cover, something feared and never to be addressed. As with many "forbidden" topics, it is always better to discuss these things, rather than avoid them. How else do we learn from them? Obviously, it takes a grown up adult person to confront these fears and anxieties, but the result is being able to make empowered decisions about both "living” and “dying." This ability contributes to our personal, emotional and spiritual growth; an undeniable part of our human journey, which helps remove part of the fear of the "Great Unknown" -- Death.

There was a recent article about a guide, created largely by young people that help teens handle and navigate "End of Life" challenges. The guide helps critically ill young patients express their preferences for their final days: Do they want to be at home for their passing? Who should inherit their things? Who would take care of their fur baby, life support, funeral details? Some providers approach young people directly, but this practice has met some resistance from a number of doctors. They believe that adolescents do not understand the implications of end-of-life -planning and they might be harmed psychologically by such talk.

This reminds me of what Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said -- she never spoke with a dying person who didn't know they were dying!  My contention is -- and my experience has shown -- doctors are the worst at dealing with dying and death. They only concentrate on living and keeping someone" alive". They know Yin but ignore Yang. With humans, you can't have one without the other.

Death makes us what we are, Human, and Death puts Life in perspective.

Research shows that avoiding these topics, and discussions, exacerbates the teenage patient's fears and sense of isolation. Those surveyed reported that NOT being able to discuss their end-of-life preferences was a fate worse than death!

The guide, called, Voicing My Choices, was intended to create a way for them to make choices about what NURTURES, PROTECTS AND AFFIRMS THEIR REMAINING LIFE & HOW THEY WISH TO BE REMEMBERED. The TOV Standard is used as a Guide for Living and Dying. It centers on the idea of “Increasing the Functionality & Improving the Quality of Life – regardless of how much time is left for living it.

Devastating disease can leave anyone feeling powerless. Practicing TOV and Choosing Life, especially in the face of dying, is a means to assert some control and that is therapeutic. For adolescents, as for all of us who are exploring and defining our identities, this is a way to express who we are, what we are and what we care about. Unfortunately, as I have often witnessed -- Life’s greatest lessons come out of sorrow, not joy. See them as opportunities not to be wasted – opportunities to Do TOV and Choose Life – when it may matter the most.

Your TOV Guide,

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor

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