Whose God wants wives to submit to violent husbands?

I have been attending meetings of the planning committee for the Junior League of Collin County Interfaith Symposium on Domestic Violence for 2015. It is a pleasure getting to know and working with so many committed creative people.

One thing I am very interested in is to discover ways of addressing the perpetrators of violence against women and children. Why do they keep on hurting people? I believe one reason is that they are not confronted by communities and religious organizations that hold shared values against such predatory actions. If we asked leaders of our communities’ religious traditions about domestic violence they would all agree that their organizations are completely against it. This is a good place and common ground for us to interact together for the good of the whole community – not just members of our separate religious groups.

Think about how powerful it would be if a network of religious organizations emerged that confronted domestic violence not only in their individual churches, synagogues, etc., but as a united coalition that educated and responded together in the community as a whole. An important step is for clergy who serve congregations to be trained on how to deal with the perpetrators, as well as how to best help the victims -- especially linking them to resources already exists, like providing safe havens.

But, it has been my experience that sometimes the messages sent by religious organizations are mixed and may in fact hinder attempts to help victims and end domestic violence. This can be a problem for clergy as well as members. For example, one verse that has presented a problem for a number of women is -- “wives submit to your husbands” (Ephesians 5:22). Some victims of domestic abuse have been told by their pastors that they are to submit to the person that is beating them because of this verse!

Let me teach you an important lesson about reading Scriptures – read at least five verses before and five verses after any verse that some quotes. In other words, view the words of the verse in their immediate context. Look at what we find when we do this here:

(1) Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. (5:21)

(2) Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (5:22)

(3) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it. (5:25)

I have discovered that a lot of the mixed messages in the Christian Scriptures come from the writings of Paul, not the Jewish Jesus. But even Paul makes it clear in the above context that husbands are to submit to other members of the church “in the fear of God,” “husbands are to love their wives like Christ loved the church,” and that “husbands are to give themselves for their wives.” This does make it sound like Paul would put up with any man that committed violent acts against his wife.

Paul also provides an important clue about the Scripture he based the above teachings on in verse 31:

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother,

and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

A very important fact that most readers of the New Testament fail to understand that the Scriptures of Jesus and Paul were the Jewish Scriptures – the New Testament did not exist during their lifetimes! The first New Testament that has the same list of books found in the modern New Testament was created in 367 CE by Athanasius, the bishop of Alexandria, Egypt – over three hundred years after Paul wrote Ephesians. The verse that Paul quoted is found in Genesis 2:24.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,

and shall cleave unto his woman; and they shall be one flesh.

I like to call this the “leave & cleave verse.” Notice that it is the man, not the woman, that is told to “leave” his parents. He is the one that is to “cleave unto his woman.” She wasn’t commanded to “cleave to her man.” That is important!

The Hebrew word translated “cleave” literally means “to be glued together.” The idea expressed here is that the man and woman are separate parts of one thing and to create it they must be glued together – and it is the man’s responsibility to “do the gluing!” It is also important to understand why this woman was created:

And the LORD God said, “It is not TOV that the man should be alone;

I will make him a helpmeet for him.” (Genesis 2:18)

She was created to be a “helpmeet.” What is a “helpmeet?” Many assume it is a “helper;” someone created to “serve” the man. But, the Hebrew words translated “helpmeet” mean something very different -- “one that corresponds to, is a counterpart of, equal to, and matching.” The woman is equal to and adequate for the man in every way.

The Dallas Morning News has been running a series called Deadly Affection. In a recent article, a woman, who was the member of a church, came to a service one Sunday black and blue from her husband's beatings. The pastor told her she needed to keep forgiving him, pray for him, just keep asking God to change him -- and ask God to help her be a better wife. This reminded me of something I saw on Facebook recently:

He didn't tell her to protect herself from that predator or offer to go see her husband and tell him that the church wasn't going to set back and ignore what he was doing to her. Look folks; God is not our cosmic bellboy/bellgirl and prayer isn't a drive-thru window that we use to place our orders.  It's not God's responsibility to change people or situations – it is the responsibility of people. At least that the message of the Jewish Scriptures -- and the message that the Jewish Jesus.

One last point about another mixed message I often hear is the pressure to remain married "til death do you part." The Creator’s highest value is Life. The TOV Standard that the Creator uses to measure His acts -- and ours -- begins with “protect and preserve life.” Living in a situation that threatens one’s life isn't what the Creator wants. It clearly fails to meet His standard. Sadly, some of those who remain in environments of domestic violence become victims of murder and suicide. Whose God would want that?

Shared core values are very important ways to bring people together and address many of the issues we face today in our homes, communities, and nation. They are the building blocks that create common ground for us to stand on. When we act together on shared core values, we become co-creators of safety, security and peace – and that makes our world a better place!

Choose Life by Doing TOV!

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor