Who or What Determines Your Worth?

One of the fun things I do is work with couples in planning their weddings. Like many things, I use this as an opportunity to teach, observe, listen and learn about relationships. We are social creatures which means, we need others for our very survival, technology aside. Almost all of our needs -- physical, emotional, psychological -- are met through interaction with others. In Genesis, the first thing identified as not being TOV (Good) is for a human to be alone.

I tell each couple that, though marriages may be made in Heaven, the Maintenance needs to be done here on earth! Relationships must be maintained -- especially the one we have with ourselves. There was a recent post on FB with the following quote of Lucille Ball -- "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line." Being that this is an issue I've struggled with myself, I understand it's easier said than done.

When I use the term, "Love", I'm not referring to an emotion or a feeling. I'm speaking about "acceptance." Accepting of oneself requires a basic understanding that we, as human beings, have worth. Again, Genesis 1 tells us we are a reflection of the Creator. In truth, we are a bag of mud, mixed with some chemicals and minerals, but it's the "spirit reflection" that makes us unique and binds us all together.

Self-Love means we do concrete acts that are required to show that we care about ourselves -- not to the exclusion of others nor striving to improve and grow -- but that we accept ourselves as we are at the present time with all our flaws, warts and mistakes. It is only then that we will truly be able to "love our neighbors as ourselves."

We are constantly bombarded with messages that maintain one underlying theme -- self-worthlessness. These messages are the product of professional propaganda creators, aka "spin doctors", who work in the advertising industry. Central to their addictive persuasive message is a subtle appeal: We (reader, hearer or viewer) are seriously inadequate. We drive the wrong car, use the wrong deodorant, wear the wrong clothes, have less than perfect skin, drink the wrong beer and so on. We are bordering on worthless, but this can be cured by buying the "right" products. This is our "unnatural" reality. 

Let us stop for a moment and look at our yardstick of self-worth. My Standard of Self -Worth comes from inside me. It is the time-tested values I learned from my parents and from my Jewish tradition – it is the TOV Standard. Whatever I do is matched to thoughts, words and actions which Protect Life, Preserve Life, Make Life More Functional and Improve the Quality of Life. I do not drive the right car, wear the right clothes, have the perfect body, or perfect skin. I absolutely refuse to let someone else determine my worth by their standard.

One of the most important lessons I've learned is this -- my self-worth comes from my understanding of the "Spirit Reflection" I was given and how many lives I touch for TOV, for Good, for Life and for Peace. What are you Worth?

Choosing Life By Doing TOV!

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor

Learning to Ask the Right Questions

I read an article from the paper by a family practice doctor about an 88 year old patient with congestive heart failure and renal failure. He had been to a large number of specialists; none were able to help him, and so he was referred back to the family practice. In this case, if you treat one condition and the patient gets better, the other condition worsens. This man refuses dialysis. This family physician doesn't know what he can do for his patient. 

He then remembered a visiting palliative care physician's words -- "We forget to ask patients what they want from their care. What are their goals?" He then asks the elderly patient,"What are the goals for your care? How can I help you?" The patient responded, "I would like to walk without falling." The goal for these elderly patients should be to maximize their function. He told the patient that they have services designed to keep him comfortable and that would allow him to stay at home.

The nature of the questions we ask either keeps the existing system in place, or brings an alternative approach and future into the picture. In his book, Community, by Peter Block, he makes a distinction between Questions with Little Power and Questions with Great Power.

● Questions with Little Power are questions that maintain dominance and are concerned with Being Right. They are questions that create a predictable future without uncertainty. The result is the Present projected forward. What distinguishes the future, is it's unpredictability and mystery.

● Questions with Great Power are questions that have the power to make a difference, that engage people in an intimate way, confront them with their freedom, and invite them to co-create a future possibility. They are questions that cause actions, that do not allow the luxury of being a spectator.

Block defines a great question with three qualities:

● IT IS AMBIGUOUS. There is no attempt to try to precisely define what is meant by the question. This requires each person to bring their own, personal meaning into the room.

● IT IS PERSONAL. All passion, commitment and connection grow out of what is most personal. We need to create more space for the personal.

● IT EVOKES ANXIETY. All that matters makes us anxious. It is our wish to escape from anxiety that steals our aliveness. If there is no edge to the question, there is no power.

Questions with Little Power are -- "How do we get people to show up and be committed? How do we get those people to buy into our vision?"

Questions with Great Power are -- "What is the commitment you hold that brought you into this room? What are the gifts you hold that have not been brought fully into the world? What is your contribution to the very thing you complain about?" These types of questions have the capacity to move something forward.

In coming articles we will investigate these ideas further as Jim Myers and I address two very important questions about the present and about our future -- "Why the TOV Center? Why Now?”

Be Blessed,

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor

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What is Power?

Power is ability to move someone or something from one place to another, to do something or not do something. To learn more about power read the Country Cogitator’s latest blog at -- http://thecountrycogitator.blogspot.com/2015/04/what-is-power.html

Passover: A Spiritual Lesson for Everyone

This coming Friday night, Passover begins at sunset. I have such cherished memories, some of which I've already shared, but there is a lesson here for all of us as well. The "Exodus" from Egypt is a universal story. It reflects something about human experience. I maintain, that none of us ever voluntarily leaves their "Egypt", we have to be thrown out!

 "Egypt" to me, is a metaphor for what is familiar, what is known. Very few of us voluntarily leave what is familiar and known for what is unknown and unfamiliar.

Most people do not like changes, no matter how small. We become used to doing things in a certain way, expecting certain results. Change is usually put upon us, whether we like it or not. All of us have our "Egypts." Many people will stay in situations and relationships that are toxic, because they are used to it. When someone suffers abuse, in a number of cases, the abused person remains because the situation is familiar. Even being able to leave and go to a shelter raises anxiety about what will happen next.

Financial problems, illness, death and changes in status all bring with them the specter of the unknown. When my wife Karen died, my first thoughts were about, "What am I supposed to do now? Will I be able to continue this by myself?" This question has appeared in many forms, by many people in the work that I do.

Think for a moment. What is your "Egypt?" Where in your lives have you become too comfortable with known quantities, good or bad? What can we do when life changing things are forced upon us?

 Here is where I take a lesson from Passover. My observation over many years is, that these occurrences, which take us out of the familiar are the only times that people really change anything. This is because nothing can ever be the same. That is a scary notion. Things may not ever be the same, but they can be different. These are the times when humans grow. There is no way through the desert, except through the desert.

It is interesting that in the Biblical story of the Exodus, the Israelites and other Semites, the mixed multitude that left with them go out into the Midbar, the Hebrew word for wilderness, not desert. A desert can be waterless, lifeless, but there is life in the wilderness. More important, it is in the Midbar that the Israelites receive the Torah, a constitution of instruction, which allows them to eventually become a nation.

It is in the wilderness, that a number of Biblical personalities encounter their Higher Power or Highest Self. This experience leads them to their destinies, to their purpose. I feel it is the same for all of us. It is the unfamiliar and the unknown which brings us to where we need to be. Life without Risk is no life, Love without Risk, is no love. I always encourage people not to waste the valuable lessons the unfamiliar and the unknown teach. There is no real progress when we remain in the safety of our "Egypts." 

The Hebrew month of Nisan (not the car), in which Passover occurs is the first month of the Hebrew calendar. I view it as a new spiritual beginning and a time to embrace the changes that are sure to come from leaving the known for the unknown, the familiar for the unfamiliar and the safety of "Egypt" for the growth, knowledge and accomplishment that Risking brings.

May we all be blessed as our new adventures begin!

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor

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More Seder History

One of the most important and transformative things the Jewish Sages did after the destruction of the Second Temple, was to transfer and transform Temple ideas to the home setting. Many symbols were created to not only keep the "memories" of Temple ritual alive, but to allow for the continuing development of Rabbinic Judaism as well. For example, on Shabbat, the table of the home becomes the new "altar', the white tablecloth represents the Priest's garments, the candles lit to usher in the Shabbat recalls the 7 branched menorah lit every evening outside the Holy of Holies in the Temple. The wine and the bread become substitutes for the blood and the meat of the sacrifices themselves, while the head of the household reciting the prayers is the "priest," and on the Shabbat itself, people would gather to hear the words of the Torah and study the Creator's wisdom in the synagogue instead of the Temple.

Between the years 200 BCE to 200 CE, the teachings of the Jewish Sages were gathered, organized and edited into a collection called the Mishnah, which in essence is Rabbinic Scripture. The Torah commands many things, but rarely explains how to do them, especially without a Temple, Sacrifices and Priesthood. The Mishnah presents the methods to celebrate the Festivals and Shabbat, the yearly cycle for reading the Torah, the Standardization of Jewish Prayers and other instructions, laws and interpretations. Even though this corpus was closed in 200 CE, the process of reinterpretation continued in Jewish history and still continues today in other forms. The Passover Seder grew out of this process.

In Jewish tradition, God should be worshipped not only through prayer, but also through study and learning. The Passover seder is set up as a lesson in which are mingled Jewish history, literature, rituals, customs, stories and songs. The small book we use as guide for the seder is called a Haggadah, which means, "The Telling", is based upon Exodus 13:8 which says, ". . . and you shall tell your son."

Printed Haggadah

All printed Haggadahs have 15 words which trace the sequence of the seder service, written in rhyme as a mnemonic. The seder plate has mnemonic symbols, a Zero'a (shankbone), a Beitzah (hard boiled roasted egg), Maror (bitter herbs, usually grated horseradish), Haroset (chopped walnuts,apples, honey and wine, recipes vary) and Karpas (greenherb, usually parsley). Also on the table is Matzah, unleavened bread which is a remembrance of the Israelites having to leave Egypt in a hurry, before the bread had no time to rise.

Seder Plate

The shankbone recalls the actual "Paschal Lamb" sacrifice, the egg can represent the roundness of life, no beginning and no end, roasted again can refer to the ancient Temple sacrifices, The bitter herb remembers the bitterness of servitude. The Haroset (chopped apples, nuts honey and wine) brings to mind the mudbricks used to build the storage cities of Pitom and Ramases. (The Israelites did not build the Pyramids, they were already thousands of years old when the Israelites were there.) The Karpas, green vegetable, dipped in salt water is a remembrance of the hyssop dipped in the blood of the Pesach over the doorways and gates as a protective device, and also the renewal of life in the spring when people dipped veggies in saltwater or other liquid when eating. 

In ancient times, slaves and laborers ate hurriedly, squatting on the ground. On Passover, it is the custom to recline and eat on the left side which was the sign that the individual was a free person. There are blessings and ritual washing of the hands. Next, the youngest child or children start the seder by asking 4 questions which are answered as the seder moves along. This style of study is taken from Greek philosophy, where one student asks the Master a question and the rest of the session is devoted to answering that question. 

Today, those of you who've never been to a seder or who are interested in doing one can find many sources online and in books. There are a lot more beautiful parts of the seder I'm leaving out, but I hope this explanation has been informative and peaked some interest. By the way, here is an interesting Passover fact. In the Torah, the Exodus revolves around the Giant Personality and actions of Moses. In the Haggadah, Moses is only mentioned once in passing. Why? The answer will be in my next installment of seder history.

Be Blessed, Choose Life & Do TOV!

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor

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Some Seder History

Passover begins at sunset on Friday, April 3rd this year. There is probably no specific date for the creation of the Passover Seder, but as with many laws, customs, traditions and beliefs, it accrued over time.

The Hebrew word “seder” means “order” -- a number of steps for the ritual meal. Today, there are a number of "seders." Shavuot, the next Biblical Festival which comes 50 days after the first day of Passover, also has a seder. Tu B'Shevat, the 15th day of the Hebrew month of Shevat, which is called the holiday of the trees. It celebrates fruits and other agricultural products of the Land of Israel. It's seder was developed and practiced by the Kabbalists of Safed.

In the Torah, also known as the Five Books of Moses, the festival Passover Festival is called "Pesach", which is the Hebrew name of the sacrifice.

The Paschal Lamb (a rare occasion when meat was eaten by the common person because meat was expensive) was eaten at that time only by those who were in a state of ritual and spiritual purity. Along with the "Pesach" there was the Festival of Unleavened Bread which was 7 days long. Nothing with "leaven" was ever allowed on the Altar.

In the year 70 of our era, Jerusalem and the Temple were destroyed by the Romans. Exodus 12 states Passover should be celebrated with the Pesach lamb being eaten at midnight along with bitter herbs and matzah, while we are standing up with our bags packed and our walking sticks in hand -- and it should be eaten quickly. So? How do we celebrate this very important festival without a Temple, without a Pesach, without a functioning Priesthood?

SOURCE

After the Great Revolt against Rome (66-73 CE), those Jewish Sages and teachers who were left eventually came together at Yavneh and under the leadership of (Rabbi) Yochanan Ben Zakkai, began the arduous task of creating and collecting the rituals, prayers and customs that are the basis for the practices of Rabbinic Judaism. They were extremely insightful people. They enabled Judaism to grow and change according to the historical circumstances and reinterpreted the Torah's instructions, creating a standard of practice. They transferred the emphasis of Temple Ritual to the home, family and community and established mnemonic devises, a way of remembering and recalling ancient Temple Rituals in symbolic ways and metaphors. A perfect example is The Seder Plate. It will be coming to a table near you in my next blog.

Be Blessed, Choose Life & Do TOV!

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor

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A TOV Intergenerational Project

I read and shared this FB article about Dutch students who can now live in nursing homes rent-free as long as they keep the residents company. Many people have responded what a great idea this is! Twenty-somethings are flocking to this new idea. It is a unique project that benefits everyone. I remember teaching some younger kids and they were making fun of "old people." I said to them, “If you're lucky, someday you'll get old. Would you like to be treated that way?” Silence.

University students pay no rent and in exchange, spend at least 30 hours a month with some of the 160 elderly who live in this particular facility, doing things professional staff cannot always do -- such as hanging out. They go see the pensioners for a chat, play games, go with them to the shopping center, and do shopping for those who can't.

It is important not to isolate the elderly from the outside world. These ideas are very important in preventing care "ghettoes." I think having young people around elderly people is also an opportunity for the young to hear the stories and learn the "values" of that generation, especially when the old do not have children or grandchildren. It gives the elderly the feeling that someone will remember them. This is also an opportunity for younger people who may feel isolated or lonely to receive attention and love from their "adopted grandparents." As one person said, "When you're 96 years old with a knee problem, the knee isn't going to get any better; but what we can do is create an environment where you forget about the painful knee."

"The sharing idea has resonated in a country where many people do volunteer work, and other retirement homes are coming up with their own variations on a theme." These "intergenerational" projects are springing up elsewhere in Europe, but usually not within retirement homes because of the shortage of rooms." In some schemes, the elderly rent out a room in their own house or apartment; in others, housing projects are built specifically to house the young with the elderly." In Holland, the students prepare simple meals and offer activities according to the resident's interests. They use art, crafts, computer lessons, movies and the like. There is no obligation for the residents to take part in activities.

On another level, it is good for young people to be around those who are dying and death itself. We learn not to fear these things by being able to talk about them with those who are going through the experience. Dying and death make us what we are, human. No one should go through it alone and no one should hide themselves from the valuable lessons it teaches us about living fully, appreciating every precious moment. 

There is no age limit on kindness, on comfort, on company, on healing, on learning, on creativity, and on love. TOV Values rest upon Life and extend to its twins, aging, dying and death. Let us work together to make the whole experience of Living and Dying a TOV Project.

Blessings,

Rabbi Jeffrey Leynor